Marriage - Finding a worthy husband 

 

Because finding a loving, honest, nurturing spouse is so important; I'll cover some things aside from matters of faith  that, hopefully, will be helpful. I'll start with a brief list of things to investigate when dating.

 

How do they treat their parents?

How do they treat their siblings?

What are their friends like?

How do they treat the waiter or waitress?

How do they talk about those in authority over them?

What is their job longevity history like?

What condition are they in financially?

If they have children how bonded are they?

If they don't have joint custody, why?

What is their criminal history?

Do they have substance abuse problems?

Do they like gambling?

Are they addicted to video games?

What are their recreational choices?

Do they have anger problems?

Are they preoccupied with sex?

What are their feelings about pornography?

What is their spiritual condition and beliefs?

Do you share a common faith and encourage growth in each other?

Are they a victim of child abuse and have they found healing?

Would you want your sibling to date such a person?

Looking at the condition of their life, is it one you want to join?

What are their views on marriage and the roles of man and wife and child rearing?

 

Now of course we have to ask ourselves these same questions, and many more, but this line of thinking will help us begin the process.

 

Understanding our romantic feelings, our passions, what true love is, and what it is not, are very, very important issues. We can only learn that by dating, if we use that time to learn who this new person truly is, and who they bring out in us. When we date we learn a lot about our passions, our insecurities, about how fickle our emotions can be, and, not to mention how obsessive they can be.

We also learn about how strong willed we can be, and something about the depth of our faith and moral convictions.

These are not things that can be learned from a book, the power of romance is a force to be reckoned with, and if we go into it blind we will doubtless return bruised.

We also learn about how those of the opposite sex can draw us, manipulate us, sometimes deceive us, use us, sweep us away, hurt us so deeply and also bring out anger within us, and all manner of other emotional feelings. So, dating and romance is a huge learning experience, and I can't think of how you will ever learn about yourself in the same way as dating or experiencing these intense emotions.

It shows us how needy we are, we may be far more needy than we ever imagined, or we may find we are unable to bond, or that we have fears that make us act at times like a child. Needless to say, dating tests the strength of our convictions, faith, ideals, goals, plans, our children's welfare and our true priorities.

Passion, sex and affection are not the basis for a marriage, nor is financial security, needing help with our children, if we have any, nor is a new lover able to fill emotional needs we may have if we have suffered adverse childhood circumstances. If we look for a mate to fulfill the emotional needs that haunt us from childhood trauma, we will suffocate our new love.  When victims of childhood trauma fall in love, often it is a little too fast and deep.  

They often idealize their partner; put them on a pedestal, profess a rapid and deep connection, give of themselves fully, push for premature commitments. It may feel like the  "love of a lifetime."

In time, this idealization evolves into a devaluation of the partner when the partner does not live up to the victim’s unrealistic expectations.
When this happens, the victim of childhood trauma can become angry, resentful, abusive, and even vindictive.

Or the opposite may happen where the victim of trauma feels guilty, shameful and dirty; they become very emotionally needy and desperately need approval. When they find a person that shows them attention, they fall in love way too fast, way too deep and put all of their needs onto the new love, above all else.

The neediness created by childhood trauma and other insecurities overwhelms our partner with our constant need for reassurance, emotional support, and they often feel suffocated because they are having demands put on them that no one can meet.

If our relationships are failing we need to evaluate ourselves and take some time to just be alone and sort out what the next positive step should be. If we've had no counseling or therapy, that's the first step; especially if we are a victim of childhood adversity, sexual assault or domestic violence. To re-enter another relationship, clinging to the intoxicating romantic high instead of finding healing will lead to yet another failure. A broken heart is a poor judge of character, flattering words elevate our emotions, and sexual encounters anesthetize our deep inner hurts and needs but they don't lead to change.

 

Now this little piece contains a lot of food for thought, but it is meant to inspire you to learn more about the mechanics of a successful relationship. Needless to say, if you are a Christian matters of faith and faith aspirations are of major importance and I believe as Christians we should only marry a fellow believer.