I asked a friend of mine, Ann Stewart Porter, in her sixties, who is a survivor of rape; three to be exact, if she would write her story of healing so I could share it with others. And all of these perpetrators were within the church. How do we ever go back to church after that?  Here's her story ---  

  "First it was a church youth leader, a man in his 30’s and me, all of fifteen. He talked dirty and I didn’t understand. 

Then it was our church organist’s brother, but I kicked him where it hurts, and threw his shoe on the roof, and escaped. But then it was a Deacon’s son, who asked to counsel with me, but took me to the dark countryside after Sunday night church, to rape me. To this day, I don’t do cars alone with men.

Then it was a Preacher’s son who lived nearby. He was so nice to pick me up from work, and then drive me to an apartment with my drunk manager, and they did what they wanted to do. I don’t even remember how I got home.

Then I went to a Christian College. My boss raped me. I had been his children’s babysitter. His wife said he’d done it before. He came up to me as I was vacuuming the President’s office. To this day, I don’t have a vacuum cleaner.

I changed schools and met this incredible human being who I ended up marrying, but never told him I had been raped, not once but three times. But he figured it out one day, and we really did get great counsel. God did an incredible work of healing me, mind and spirit.

The sexual abuse was compounded by emotional abuse of people who didn’t understand. Or didn’t want to know. This was 45 years ago, so it was always the girl’s fault. This was the church where men were allowed to control a woman. Abuse is still rampant in and out of the church. Abuse is still rampant in Christian homes. Rape and incest are still alive and harming girls and boys every single day.

I took my anger out on God and begged to understand. At 16, I stood behind our church and wailed on God. It was quiet. But… One day I was listening to a dear friend of mine, a gifted worship leader who had, for the second time, been fired from a church. His teen daughter was so furious. But he was quick to remind her people aren’t God. People can be really stupid and make absurd choices, even in the name of God. But that doesn’t mean God has to take responsibility for their free will or their choice to sin. We let go of the people, not God. In a remarkable turn of events, I was able to be very sexually compatible with my husband, although he learned quickly, he couldn’t lovingly hold me down, or scare me unexpectedly. God faithfully gave us a passion few I know have in their marriage. We are very emotionally connected as well. Have been for over 45 years. I became a Teacher, Counselor, Writer, and rape recovery is one of the things I do, because it’s important. Many people suffer at the hands of so called godly people, and it’s not always easy to separate the two at all. But at some point, you either choose love or you choose pain. You let go and you let in. You give or you take. You rise or you fall. You win or you lose. You get better or you get bitter. You cannot store hate inside a heart of love. You cannot. You can think you do, but the joke is on you. God didn’t design our hearts to carry what people do to us in their pain. He designed us to forgive, live in genuine freedom, choose joy and help another who might feel trapped in the grief of it all. I chose what I wanted because it’s good for me. I needed the strength to overcome more things that would come my way. I didn’t want anybody who had harmed me, to hold power over me, to keep me from being healthy and wise and happy.

My Mama used to say people expect God's people to be good and the church to do right, but if you were the Devil, where would you go first? The Church. So, I decided as hard as it was to forgive and grow up, it’s harder still to not forgive and live in pain. I love that I could and did choose my healing. I love that God uses me despite all. I love that I choose love over all, because I found God was faithful and His peace remains a gift I find joy in over and over. I went on to lose 4 of my five children and to face even more pain, but I found out because my strength has roots down deep in God, I can withstand and be there for others. It’s become a gloriously satisfying life. And my perpetrators will not experience that, choosing their pain. But I have loved learning hope springs eternal in the Eternal One. There are two roads that do diverge, and yep, I took the one less traveled, and that makes all the difference. I hope it makes a difference for you."

Ann Stewart Porter